Presence

My last post on kaddish got me thinking about how I experience Judaism. Perhaps this is an artifact of my particular Jewish education, but I find that, for me, I spend a lot of time trying to really understand what I know to be Judaism. What I mean is, to me, Judaism is a set of practices that are, more or less, a given. Some of these practices I understand, some I don't, but, for the most part, the black and white rules are pretty clear. What I spend most of my time doing is trying to come to a better understanding of those rules, trying to reconcile questions or contradictions that I have detected and form a clearer picture as to what role these things play in my life. The last post on Kaddish is a perfect example: everybody knows we say Kaddish, when we say it, who says it, etc. But what does it mean? I had thought I had a basic understanding of what I thought it meant, but there were some problems that I had with that understanding. Over time, I came to a more complete understanding that reconciles the previous problems.

Do you find the same thing? Perhaps my approach is particular to my background; I learned a lot of halacha at first, and only later became more interested in the meaning, themes, hashkafa, if you will (although that's a loaded term nowadays) of Judaism. Maybe others have different experience of Jewish experience? Perhaps this things are obvious or intuitive to those with a different background, or the need to find meaning is less prominent (or the meaning is centered more in the act, than in the concepts behind the act)? Is it the same for you, or am I alone on this one?