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So, it's pretty clear that this updated version of The Ten Commandments is a dud. It's boring and underwhelming. I haven't seen the original in quite some time, so I'm unable to compare the two, but I don't think Omar Shariff's turn as Jethro is likely to go down in the history books as one of his more memorable performances. I watched last night's episode of 24 today, it was a good one. Jack Bauer is one bad dude. If he had been in Egypt, God wouldn't have needed to send any plagues. Just give Bauer 5 minutes alone with Pharoah, and the Jews would have been on their way.

And so: It begins.

- Pharoah at the sea: I'm yelling, "No, Pharoah, don't go in there! Don't go in there!" Of course, he does. He never listens.

- Mental note if I ever make my own Ten Commandments movie: Invest in lots of extras, or add them in with CGI. It makes a huge difference. In some scenes it looks like Pharoah got his tunic all in a bunch over the equivalent of a boy scout troop.

- Sayid, lying dead on the beach. If I space out a little, I can almost pretend I'm watching Lost.

- I'm pretty sure Miriam is the only woman on screen.

- Is Moses "The One?" Only Morpheus knows for sure.

- The manna looks like parmesan cheese. Why did I think of it as loaves?

- First commercial. This is painful, I don't know if I can make it.

- So the Jews were the first to make training camps for war in the desert. How ironic.

- HOLY COW. Moses is telling the old joke, "A man is trapped on a roof, the flood waters rise...a boat comes by, a helicopter...but the man refuses them and says he is waiting for God." Oh yeah, we have to gamble, to give God a way to give us the money! Oh this is too much.

- And now Moses is beating up Joshua. I'm pretty sure that never happened.

- Joshua is basically the Maximus of the Jews. Got it.

- Moses' pre-battle pep talk is rather dull. Doesn't even hold a candle to William Wallace. Even Theoden did a better job.

- Amalek attacks: Look out, they've got a horse! Oh, there's another one!

- Was that Hur adulterating (that was the same guy who stood next to Moshe during the battle with Amalek)? Who was that woman?

- So Yitro is telling Moshe he can't trust anyone, not even his brother. He's supposed to be telling Moshe that he has to trust others, and set up a legal system that doesn't rely on him as a single point of failure.

- Tzipporah: the original Jewish mother guilt trip. And she wasn't even Jewish! Is there any source for this stuff? Where are they getting it from?

- Hebrew Law and Order: very chaotic. Silly woman: beating your wife wasn't illegal back then.

- Hur killed a guy, because he was found making out with his wife? Where is this coming from?

- So Moses figures out what God has been trying to tell him. The thing about God is that he is One. The One. The Only One. Now, he is ready.

- So, as far as I can tell, the movie is presenting this whole Hur subplot in place of the m'koshesh (Numbers 15:32-36). But it's being used to bring out the need for justice within the community, and Moshe's reluctance to act as the hand of justice. Ultimately, the whole process leads to the giving of the Torah (or, at least as far as this movie is concerned, the Ten Commandments). Sadly, there's little support for any of this.

- I do like how the movie Moses uses his experience of killing the Mitzri to understand the motivations of the murderer. It's a lot more real and meaningful than the old, "Moshe knew the Egyptian was worthless, so it was OK to kill him," explanation.

- Na'aseh v'nishma came out simply as, "YES!"

- "Where, o where has Moses gone? Oh, where, oh where could he be?"

- Ahh, good old Avodah Zarah. And there was much rejoicing.

- Moses comes down the mountain: "Oh NO you didn't!"

- From Moses to Walter: "This is not 'Nam! There are rules!"

- Ok, let's see some real Divine retribution here. The plagues were kind of pathetic. It's time for Angry Diety Justice.

- OK, that was gruesome.

- OK, they got the Ten Commandments! And there was much rejoicing (actually, not so much). There's the aron, no miskan.

And so it ends.

Posted by Greg at April 11, 2006 9:27 PM in Movies | TrackBack